AIDS

I'm so paranoid, I'm afraid I'll get AIDS from masturbation. So I don't masturbate anymore; not till I get to know myself better.


Airport Security

Since 9/11, airport security is being strictly enforced. Women travelers are complaining of "inappropriate touching" by male security guards. Meanwhile, the Catholic Church announced that any guard fired for harassment will be immediately ordained as a priest.


The environment

The country has gotten so desperate for oil, that President Bush approved plans for exploratory drilling in his own head? Preliminary digs were not too slick.

So, now we have to worry about Mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus. Isn't the Nile in Africa? I could go to the beach because mosquitoes don't like salt water. But then I need that SPF 1000 block to prevent cancer causing sunshine. Sun block to stop cancer, repellent to guard against disease and condoms for safe sex? So that rules out making love with a stranger outdoors in broad daylight. The combination of bug spray and sun block destroys the rubber.


Guilt

I'm so wracked with guilt, that I'm afraid to stop therapy because I don't want to take the income away from my doctor. He's got kids in college. He relies on me.


Horoscopes

A hokey woman was telling me about astrology and asked me my sign.
I said I'm a Sign.


Insecurity

I'm so insecure, that I'm not sure I'm insecure.


Lotteries

Gamblers nationwide played the $325 million Big Game lottery, undeterred by the 1-in-76-million odds. In an effort to reassure the public, the White House announced those odds were better than the chances of peace in the Middle East.


New York

Only in New York can an Italian get Jewish food from a Korean Deli cooked by a  Mexican.


Religion

Many holy days recently converged: Lent, Passover and Buddha's birthday. May is the first time there are no spiritual events, at which point diverse religions resume hating each other again.


Safe sex

Safe sex gets a bad wrap. Before I started using condoms, making love felt so great that I could only last a minute. But since I started protecting myself, I can't feel a thing and can last all night. My endurance went up.


Surveys

I'm so sick of those online surveys. CNN had this one. "Do you think people that answer poles are stupid?"

RESULTS
Yes:            45%
No:              15%
Not sure:      40%


Techies

What's a techie do when they're horny in the middle of the night? Rebooty call.


Television

Talk shows are so ridiculous. I was flipping the dial and saw this ad: "People who are addicted to Ricky Lake . . . Next on Oprah!"


Terrorism

President Bush announced a new anti-terrorism task force that's going to be led by Robert Blake, Jayson Williams & OJ Simpson.


Work

A study came out in the newspapers which indicates Americans are becoming workaholics. I was going to read it, but then I didn't have time.


Worrying

I worry so much, sometimes I worry that I don't worry enough.