Joke of the Week

Jane Fonda says her ex husband made her have lesbian sex. What women call abuse, men regard as a happy marriage.

George Bush says we need immigrants to do the jobs Americans don’t want: Like cooking, construction and running for President.

Did you hear about the latest reality show? Yeah, it’s "Who wants to be Pope?"

HDTV is great. Yeah, it’s now crystal clear how bad tv really is.

The weather these days is about as reliable as Michael Jackson. Then again, why insult Mother Nature? At least she gets better.

St. Patrick's Day....Great. That's just what the Irish need; another excuse to drink.

Martha Stewart’s getting her own Apprentice show. The first contestants: ex CEOs of Enron, MCI & Tyco.

60% of Americans surveyed said tyranny can’t be eliminated. The other 40% were too afraid to answer the question.

Two rappers are walking man’s best friend and meet. If one says to the other “What up dog?”, then who’s talking to who?

There's a disaster worse than the Tsunami: Brad and Jen have broken up.

For men, the toughest thing about marriage is the ring. We're like prisoners, shackled in iron and led off to jail. But, hey, we’re sleeping with the warden.

It's 60 degrees here today, so New Yorkers are celebrating the first day of Spring.

Barry Bonds says he didn't know he was taking steroids: Bonds for President in 2008.

What happens when a whore does the Horah? It's a horror.

The Pentagon announced that all new recruits will be required to attend NBA games and listen to rap.

Men: next time a woman pressures you that her “clock is ticking”, just hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.

How did Bush win AGAIN? A bunch of Midwesterners thought Four More Years meant Four More Beers.

With less than 24 hours to go, the election will come down to three states: fear, shock and confusion.

The Yankees.

John Kerry is so indecisive that he’s thinking of voting for George Bush.

Which genius should we vote for? One's not too swift and the other swears he graduated from the Electoral College.

A Jewish couple was expecting and went for ultrasound. They got scared when they saw a spot on the baby's head. Dr. Cohen said: "Don't worry. It's just a yarmulke!".

A man asked his wife: "Hey hon..should I get joke insurance? In case I'm not funny, a company has to pay you." She said: "You can't afford the premiums!"

A store offered to validate a man's parking, who replied: "I know how I feel about my parking.  I don't need your validation!"

Big News. Last Comic Standing announced the winners: The Bush Twins.

If George Bush loses the Presidency, he can always become an Olympic judge.

New Jersey¹s gay governor denied allegations that he's resigning due to blackmail, saying: "My lover wasn't black. He was Jewish."

A husband came home and found an Indian man in his bed. His wife said "Sorry, hon. But Mr. Gupta does it better, faster and cheaper. You've been outsourced!!"

U.S. national security has about as much clue as a detective with Alzheimer's.

Women’s bodies make milk, eggs and cheese. Men have tires around their wastes. Together, we can deliver food and stop hunger.

Last week Morgan Stanley settled a $50 million sexual harassment lawsuit. Coming soon: Playboy's "Women of Wall Street" issue.

A new terrorist threat is “aimed at democracy”: Yeah, it’s called politicians.

Why did it take two years to indict the head of Enron? Bush got Layd.

After weeks of hearings, the 9/11 panel announced that government sucks and vowed to keep studying the situation.

Out of respect for Reagan, comedians have sworn not to be funny all day.

What's George Bush's favorite book? Intelligence for dummies.

Airlines are offering free tickets to nice passengers. Saudi Arabians need not apply.

Scholars just X-rayed the Mona Lisa to find out why it's warping. It couldn't be that it's 500 years old, could it?

First McDonald's CEO died of a heart attack. Now his replacement has colon cancer. Big Mac anyone?

Bush seeks $25 billion for more soldiers. Lets draft the cast of and send them to Iraq instead.

ABC has launched a new reality show: President. Two contestants act badly in front of America until one is voted off.

After hitting the LIRR, AMTRAK celebrated its 10th major crash in five years by renaming itself AMWRECK.

Asked about his declining numbers in polls, President Bush said: "I look forward to working with the Polish people."

The bad economy has forced us to outsource. This week's joke is brought to you from China:

This translates to: Bush friend..Congress Speak. Rice Special. Bull Shiite!

Why did the American cross the ocean? To get his job back!!

Bill Gates says e-stamps he'd design should be required for email. Yeah, great. Apparently he doesn't have ENOUGH money.

Taking a hard line on terrorists, John Kerry said any caught should be immediately sentenced to a Super Size meal at McDonald's

What's the only good news about the President's ban on gay marriage? No self-respecting fag would ever marry George Bush!

President Bush announced that the U.S. is planning a new,surprise attack against al Qaeda.

President Bush is against gay marriage, but Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. Apparently she doesn't like dicks.

Sofia Coppola is favored to win an Oscar in the "Daddy, daddy, I wanna make a movie" category.

Howard Dean presses on with his presidential campaign, vowing to win the state of insanity.

Following the Super Bowl, CBS apologized that Janet Jackson didn't show both her breasts.

The Mars rover beamed back startling, new pictures of Michael Jackson's childhood!!

Michael Jackson says he's being targeted due to racism. RACISM? Wait a minute ... Which race is he again?

Hugh Hefner, 77, celebrated Playboy's 50th birthday with his 18 year old girlfriends.

After the breakup of every reality tv couple, ABC announced a new show: Extreme Divorce.

While Americans worry about Mad Cow, President Bush announced a new compan y will oversee the beef supply: Halliburger.

There's more breaking news from Iraq: We've f ound Saddam's barber!!

Following the Gore endorsement, Howard Dean switched parties and joined the "Kiss of Death" ticket.

What's Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite vacation spot? Paris Hilton!

Nude photos were discovered of Jessica Lynch. The Army said she'll be promoted to Private Parts.

The missing NYC two year old was found unharmed after his mom left him in a running car. The bad news is he was returned to his parents.

Top scientists discovered that video games are addictive. Then they raced back to their PlayStations.

10 /30/03
Florida's Gov. Bush, fighting to keep a comatose woman alive, said: "If we give up on the brain dead, who will run for elected office?"

Liza Minelli and David Gest are getting divorced. Apparently, Liza was so high that she didn't notice she married a homosexual.

This a test. This is only a test. In the event of an actual joke, you'd be laughing by now.

Tiger trainers Siegfried and Roy have renamed their act: Burger and Fries.

The White House responded to allegations that it leaked the name of a CIA spy to the press. President Bush said: "Rest assured, I have nothing to do with intelligence."

Schwarzenegger apologized for treating some women badly, in the hopes that confessing would get him laid.

In the debates last night, Schwarzenegger finally announced his agenda: getting hummers in his Hummer.

Telemarketers are back since the "d o not call" laws were struck down. So, your free to call the top telemarketing lobbyist at home and complain: Robert Wientzen: (212) 879-5606.

Why can't procrasti n a tors get help? They just keep putting it off.

Asked about the environment, Schwarzenegger promised to run a good, clean campaign fro m the back of his Hummer.

Asked to assure the nation that blackouts won't recur, President Bush said he's powerless.

Saddam has sent a new video to U.S. officials, announcing he's a candidate for governor of California!!!

First Kobe Bryant cheats on his wife then he cries on TV. Concerned about his image, his agent announced he's the next spokesman for Pampers.

Bill Clinton's new President Library will be the first such institution to subscribe to Playboy.

The economy is so bad, we can't even afford to finish this joke!

The fall TV lineups were announced and include a reality show set in a gynecologists office: "Must see coo-chie."

President Bush announced his latest war: Operation Never Ends.

Senator Strom Thurmond died at age 100, and immediately announced re-election plans.

Whats with New Yorks extreme weather? Its pouring, its freezing, its scorching! Seems like Mother Natures going through menopause.

Disgraced reporter Jayson Blair was fired for lying, but now he's trying to sell his life story. Asked if he can really write, Blair said: Don't worry, I'll just make something up.

Economists struggle to explain the economy. To put it simply, inflation is what's happened to Anna Nicole Smith, while Pamela Anderson has experienced deflation ...

Scientists have cloned a mule. Great. Just what we need: an unlimited supply of jackasses!

According to CNN, a new study proves that handsome men produce the best sperm. Next, CNN should try to discover what produces quality news...

The U.S. raised the terror threat level fro m elevated to high and said all Americans should get .

Here's the drill. First, a man gets hammered. Then he nails his woman. But if she gets pregnant, he feels screwed. Men are such tools.

What's Bill Gates do when he's horny? Rebooty call.

Why did the workaholic cross the road? To get back to work.

In Iraq, Muslims are protesting loudly against the U.S. ... oh Jesus ... who gives a Shiite?

Mayor Bloomberg's proposed budget cuts would close firehouses throughout the City. When criticized for living near a fire house that would remain open, the Mayor said: "That's irrelevant. In the event of a fire, I would escape in my private helicopter."

Uncle Sam announced that we're sending IRS agents to Iraq to help the soldiers file they're taxes. Why? Isn't it enough that they risk their lives? Here's a better idea. After the military finishes Saddam, their next stop should be a full assault on the IRS.

With all that's going on in the world today, it's not surprising that few lesbians are pro-Bush.

Saddam has ruined my life. He's hurt my job and damaged relationships. He's out of control. Am I a Saddamaholic? I have a desire to stop Saddam. God, grant us the serenity to accept the Iraqis we cannot kill, courage to shoot the ones we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

What happens when Eminem eats too many M & Ms? He needs an enema.

The economy sucks and George Bush wants to go to war. this a rerun? We've seen this show already. Fast forward to Bill Clinton, that scene with the intern. Now that's entertainment!

F irst Duke University's botched transplant killed a teenager. Then the school admitted it lowers admission standards for rich applicants. Sounds like many Duke graduates would make gr eat Presidents.

A workaholic took his lap top with him everywhere. His annoyed woman said: "You gonna take that thing to bed with you?" The man said: "Hell no. I don't want to break the computer!"

George Bush announced that terrorists are focusing on "soft targets" in the U.S. and then put on a football helmet.

Osama Bin Laden has been found......posing as Michael Jackson.

Merrill Lynch just announced a new, blockbuster investment: Michael Jackson skin care products.

George W. Bush reassured an anxious nation in his State of The Union address. He said the CIA had managed to sil ence high level sources who claim the President's an idiot.

According to the U.S. Census, Latinos have surpassed African Americans as the larg est minority. Reverend Al Sharpton has demanded a recount.

Told recently of the first human apparently cloned in France, President George Bush said: "I'm living proof that the cloning process is deeply troubling."

Questioned on why New York City avoided a transit strike but now is raising fares, Senator Lott said: "New York would be better off if Strom Thurmond were Mayor."

Questioned about the looming NYC Transit strike, Mayor Bloomberg emailed the press from his private helicopter: New Yorkers who don't carpool will be fined.

What do the latest Bond movie and George W. Bush have in common? They're both dumb sequels.

While most Americans celebrate Thanksgiving, Native Americans are drinking in casinos cursing the pilgrim's arrival.

Michael Jackson's fans say the press is treating him unfairly. Yeah, they're right. A guy who's bleache d h is skin, lives in a zoo and endangers children should be given a break.

How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they live in caves.

Why did the comedy fans cross the road? To find their favorite stand up show.

For Halloween, George W. Bush dressed up as President and pretended he ran the world.

Tough times. Bad economy, terrorism, sniper attacks. Suddenly, sex doesn't seem that dangerous.

With the country at war, the toughest thing for Americans is having to pretend George Bush is smart.

President Bush has announced plans to attack Saddam Hussein. Wait a minute. Isn't this a rerun of some old news clip from the 1990s? We've seen this show already.

Recently Snoop Dog began producing porn and starring on the Muppets. Interesting combination. Don't be surprised if Kermit and Miss Piggy wind up makin' bacon.

Why are there so few Jewish athletes? Why play for the team when you could own it?

Tyco said its former CEO used company money to buy a personal $2,200 garbage can. Too bad he forgot to put himself in it.

Recently its been reported that engaged women are outspending their fiancés on erotic bachelorette parties, in an effort to outdo their future husbands. Great. So women are now free to act as stupidly as men always have.

West Nile virus is back. These days, we need bug spray to ward off West Nile, sun block to stop cancer, condoms for safe sex. Oh and forget about making love outdoors in broad daylight. The combination of bug spray and sun block destroys the rubber.

What's Snoop Dog's favorite computer application? Word.

The victims of 9/11 are suing the Bin La den family for $100 trillion. To put that number in perspective, that's one billion less than pro baseball players are demanding from the owners.

Actor Charlton Heston announced he has the early symptoms of Alzheimer's. Nothing more comforting than a forgetful gun fanatic who thinks he's God.

Let's see .. biological warfare, nuclear weapons, SARS ... suddenly unsafe sex isn't that risky ...

After special hearings on Capitol Hill, the CIA and FBI have agreed to start sharing intelligence. Now all they have to do is find some.

What's HMO stand for? Help me out.

On the news, all we hear about is accounting problems, destroyed papers and abuse of power. Which scandal are they covering? Corporate America or how Bush became President?

What's the difference between a mother and a wife? Mom's think they run the world. Wives know they do

I worry so much, sometimes I worry that I don't worry enough

Jennifer Aniston is suing two magazines for printing unauthorized topless photos of her. The judge dismissed the jury and is conducting the trial himself. He ordered multiple copies of the magazine and has been sequestered for weeks.

Terrorism is mostly about oil and the crazy people we have to deal with to get it. This country has gotten so desperate for energy, President Bush has approved oil exploration in his own head. Preliminary digs were not too slick.

Informed of the death of mobster John Gotti, his brother Peter Gotti, himself under indictment, said: "I know John. He'll beat the rap."

Frustrated by the war on terrorism, the White House has called for a new, covert security force. Special agents must be dangerous, discrete and have God on their side. Catholic priests are strongly encouraged to apply.

What's FBI stand for? Fucking Blew It.

The White House app ears to have ignored FBI reports about probable highjackings weeks before September 11th. In a related story, Congress just completed a ten year, $15 billion study which proves government does nothing.

Yesterday it was freezing in New York. The environment is in trouble. There are too many people on the planet. But one group is great for mother nature. Gay people: Most of them don't have kids. Sure..some of them adopt, but that's recycling.

Actor Robert Iler, who plays Tony Soprano Jr. on HBO, pled guilty to mugging in a New York court. AOL Time Warner issued a statement denying any link between TV and juvenile violence.

Why are prostitutes better than politicians? At least whores go away after they screw you.

Gamblers nationwide are playing the $325 million Big Game lottery, undeterred by the 1-in-76-millionodds. In an effort to reassure the public, the White House announced those odds were better than the chances of peace in the Middle East.

At the White House today, one of President Bush's top speechwriters, Karen Hughes, announced her resignation. Asked for a comment, President Bush was speechless.